My life, rewritten as a Chinese takeout menu and slipped, unwanted, under my door. By Matt Marinovich

MY LIFE,
REWRITTEN AS
A CHINESE TAKEOUT
MENU AND SLIPPED,
UNWANTED, UNDER
MY DOOR.

BY MATT MARINOVICH

– – – –

GRAND REOPENING!

Appetizers

Insomnia……………………………………………………..$2.00

Weird Dream (4)………………………………………….$4.00

Loud Barking Downstairs……………………………….$1.20

Cold Bathroom…………………………………………….$1.20

Pain in Neck………………………………………………..$4.00

Hangover…………………………………………………….$1.10

Angry Wife………………………………………………….$3.25

Dirty Diaper…………………………………………………$1.10

Side Orders (Sm.) (Lg.)

Plain Financial Anxiety…………………….$1.00 $2.00

Crispy Fear of Death………………………$1.00 $2.00

Black Mold………………………………………………….$2.00

Sweet and Sour
(Served with Plain Financial Anxiety.)

Girl at pastry shop stops flirting with you
when she sees ring…………………………………………$9.75

Baby daughter paints funny picture of you on
brand-new 46-inch 1080p HDTV…………………….$9.75

Combo Platter
(Served with Plain Financial Anxiety or Crispy Fear of Death.)

Take Out the Trash and Give Finger
to Speeding Driver…………………………………………$6.75

Give Finger to Speeding Driver and Run in Park…..$6.75

Run in Park and Loud Barking Downstairs………….$6.75

Loud Barking Downstairs and Take Out
the Trash………………………………………………………$6.75

Give Finger to Barking Downstairs and Throw
Trash at Speeding Driver…………………………………$6.75

Chef’s Specials

Dragon and Phoenix……………………………………….$9.25
Argument with wife cannot be won; stop fantasizing about her seeking forgiveness.

Seven Stars Around the Moon………………………….$9.25
Long e-mail to well-connected friend requesting work has bounced yet again.

Four Seasons………………………………………………..$9.25
A strange sense that time is moving faster and faster and you are accomplishing less and less.

Triple Delight…………………………………………………$9.25
Postman hands you shrink-wrapped parcel, has no idea it contains pornographic DVD, no one home.

Happy Family………………………………………………..$9.25
Wife elated after you agree to go on medication permanently, despite sexual side effects.

Please: No substitutions.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “My life, rewritten as a Chinese takeout menu and slipped, unwanted, under my door. By Matt Marinovich”

  1. Hey, for longer posts, there’s a nice more button on the toolbar to cut things up. It helps to keep things clean.

  2. This is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I’m glad I stumbled across this.

    Thanks for giving me, yet again, another reason to spit milk out of my nose while reading your materials.

    ~Cicily Janus

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: